…Draining Holes…

Our worship carries weight — the Weight of Glory. If the recipient of the weight of our worship is not God then the weight of that glory will crush or confine the person or thing on which we place our worship. Think: suffocate, suppress, entrap, trample on, break, imprison, pen in, ensnare, press down…. Worship of the wrong “deity” not only ruins what I use to replace God but it also leaves me feeling empty and worthless because the false god cannot fill me in the way that I had hoped, that I had expected, to be filled when I went after that “god”. False gods cannot make me OK in the way that I always hope they can.

My false god has been a very, very flawed human being. In “worshiping” this flawed human, this false god, I have come to realize that I have this Draining Hole inside of me that is insatiable. We ALL have a Draining Hole of some sort. This voracious, constantly-draining hole cannot be filled with things like alcohol, shopping, my husband, ______________ (fill in the blank) — believe me!

I have tried stuffing that hole with ANYTHING to stop the never-ceasing drain, the drain that sucks the very life out of me, the drain that is so …DRAINING…

One thing that I am learning since this hardest-journey-of-my-life began almost 6 months ago is this: Only God, ONLY GOD, can fill the persistently-draining hole, not because He stops the drain, but because He is UNDRAINABLE. If I try to stuff my husband into the Draining Hole to fill it, I would suck all of the life out of him, bleed him dry, with my unbelievably needy needs, because he was not created to fulfill those needs. Only the Uncreated One can fill the needs that would leave my husband as a shell of a man, as dust…. This drain, it depends entirely on the current circumstances of each of our individual lives and no matter how fast or how heavy the drain might be, God cannot now, nor ever, be drained! Hallelujah!!

I woke up, this morning, with these words on my lips and with them skipping across my heart: “Satisfy me in the morning with Your Unfailing Love, that I may sing for JOY and be glad all my days.” (Psalm 90:14).

Isn’t that a lovely word? SATISFY!

Google defines “satisfy” as: meet the expectations, needs or desires of; fulfill. It’s synonyms are: gratify, meet, FILL, appease, QUENCH, satiate, sate, take the edge off. I think about the things/people that I have used in an attempt to satisfy myself — to “take the edge off” — and ALL that they have done is left me wanting…MORE… “M.o.r.e…” — the unfillable, relentless drain…

So I’ll heed Moses’ words and I’ll seek God for my satisfaction (or, at least, I am trying to learn to do that). I will let God’s Unfailing Love satisfy me (and not just in the morning). After all, He created me, He KNOWS my deepest needs for two reasons: 1) He put some of them there to drive me into His arms and to show me my deep need for Him and 2) He has witnessed life in this broken world break me in inexpressible ways. He KNOWS my needs and He is the ONLY One who can meet those deep, bottomless needs, …”unquenchable drain”… to be loved and cared for and FILLED.

I was designed, by Him, to be filled, designed to worship. We all were and we all WILL worship S.O.M.E.T.H.I.N.G… What I choose to be filled by, what I choose to worship, completely and entirely determines my satisfaction level. I don’t know about you but I want to be fully satisfied. FULLY SATISFIED. There is only one way for me to secure this level of satisfaction and that’s choosing God, every time, to meet my needs, to fill to fullness my draining drain. God PROMISES me that He will supply all of my needs according to His glorious riches (Phil 4:19) He is my Jehovah Jireh. He owns all the cattle on a thousand hills (Psalm 50:10).

No, this is not taking the turn to become a “money-talk”, because my NEEDS are SO MUCH deeper than financial needs and I have never believed that God ever wishes for me to “box Him in” with His own Holy Word. These words of provision are not intended to be mistaken as only financial provision. God’s Word is ALL-ENCOMPASSING. You have a need to be fully loved and fully adored? Jehovah Jireh can PROVIDE that. “For your Maker is your Husband. The LORD Almighty is His Name.” (Isaiah 54:5). “The LORD appeared saying, ‘I have loved you with an Everlasting Love; I have drawn you with Unfailing Kindness.'” (Jeremiah 31:3) “But You, O LORD, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in Steadfast Love and Faithfulness.” (Psalm 86:15). Jesus said, “As the Father has loved Me, so I have loved you. Abide in my love.” (John 15:9)

*And there it is! The Answer!!*

I have been hearing from God for a long time; but I have never asked the right questions when I hear His Voice, never asked the follow-through questions. In this season, I am learning to ask God questions… primarily, “HOW?” When He tells me something, I am trying to remember to ask Him, “What does my obeying You look like to You?” or “Show me HOW.” I am learning to say, “You have told me {this}, now tell me what do I do to obey You in {this}.” So I won’t presume to tell you to fill your Draining Drain with God without telling you (and myself) HOW!

Jesus gave me the answer to full fulfillment when He said, “ABIDE IN MY LOVE.”
Google defines “abide” as: live, dwell. It’s synonyms are: remain, stay. “Live” in His love. “Dwell” in His love. “Remain” in His love. “Stay” in His love. ABIDE IN HIS LOVE — that is the key, the answer. That is the only way that the unquenchable, unsatisfiable, never-ceasing drain can ever be filled. If I live in His love, I will learn to remember who I am, that He would love me so deeply. I am His daughter. We ALL are His daughters and sons. He put inside of me the deepest desire to be loved and wanted and He also put a hole, the Drain, in me, a hole that is shaped like Him, a God-Shaped Hole, because His deepest desire is for me to come running to Him so He can be the Fill to the Hole.

I have this cavernous need to be loved, wanted, sought-after, PURSUED and my God SHALL supply all of my needs because He does love me, He does want me, He does seek after me, He does PURSUE me. And He does all of these things in His perfect, flawless way, unlike flawed human beings, because He is the Flawless One. “Every Word of God is flawless; He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him.” (Proverbs 30:5).

I so wish humans had the capacity to love like I so need to be loved. But.they.can’t. Humans are incapable of loving like that, like that PERFECT and without-flaw kind of love that ONLY God can and does love me with. And, if humans COULD love like God does, then I most certainly would place all of my worship and devotion on the created ones and not on the Uncreated One because humans are tangible; they are SEE-ABLE.

God’s Word teaches me in Hebrews 11:1, that faith is being sure of what I hope for and certain of that which I cannot or do not yet see. God credited righteousness to Abraham because he BELIEVED God, believed Him to the point that He was willing to lay Issac, for whom he had waited for so long, on the alter.  Abraham chose to “see” that which he could not see.

Full disclosure time, my faith PALES in comparison to Abraham’s faith. Jesus taught about a mustard-seed kind of faith, that’s more like the kind of faith that I have…tiny faith… But the One, who died to pay my sin-debt, promises me that mustard-seed faith STILL moves mountains. That tiny, enduring faith makes NOTHING impossible for me through the power of the Holy Spirit. (Matthews 17:20)

Now, can I, clinging tightly to my tiny faith; can I CHOOSE to let the love that God so freely lavishes on me BE ENOUGH? Can I trust Him when He whispers to my heart, “for your Maker is your Husband”? Can I ABIDE (live, dwell, remain, stay) in His love? Can I embrace His love and let everyone else, who cannot fill me anyway, go into His capable and loving Hands? I certainly don’t want to imprison or squash someone with the weight of my worship. I don’t want to imprison MYSELF by expecting a flawed human being to be capable of filling my Draining Hole, my God-shaped Hole. I have to remember that it is fillable by only One, and the only reason the hole doesn’t suck all of the life out of Him is because He is undrainable. And, let’s face it, people ARE a drain…they can’t fill us, no matter how “good” they are or how much we wish or hope they could; because they always, always add extra drain to our already Draining Hole.

{Gosh! People are so draining because, like me, they are also seeking to have their own Draining Holes filled. I do not have it in me to be a fill for that kind of need. I am NO god, believe me! And I would do well to remember that about “them”.} 

What would the world look like if humanity sought humanity to be their fill? Well, look around you. Our world, our nation, our cities, our neighborhoods, our homes are overflowing with this kind of deeply-depraved need; because we all (OK, MOST of us) are looking to the wrong fill for our Draining Holes.

Now, imagine a world, nation, city, neighborhood, a HOME filled with people who are going to the right Source to fill their own Draining Holes. Just imagine THAT!! THAT is what I want and, as usual, IT STARTS WITH ME!!

**Author’s Note: God gives me these words and I write them down….and, then, most of the time, I FORGET THEM, by choice. In my broken mind, it feels easier to live MY way than God’s way. But MY way ALWAYS leaves me empty, lost, wanting MORE. My very good friend and confidant, K.H., has challenged me to live a life from the “open-notebook” standpoint. Meaning, don’t write the words down and then FORGET THEM, ie: “close the notebook”. I AM TRYING. Please know that I have not “arrived” where it comes to filling my Draining Hole. Still, and far too often, I go to the wrong “source”, the wrong “god”, seeking to have my needs filled…. But I am learning to “keep the notebook open”. I am ever-so-slowly learning to hear the Voice of God and obey it.**

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